How do I get my picky eaters to actually eat the food I make?
“I don’t know why I bother cooking when no one will eat it anyway!”
I get it, feeding kids can be frustrating! One day they love a food, the next day they hate it. Introducing new foods can lead to complaining and arguing about how many bites to try. It is so tempting to resort to only serving “kid-friendly” foods you know they’ll happily eat, like chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. But I promise, there is a better way. Enter: Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding.
Ellyn Satter is a therapist and dietitian who is one of the leading authorities on feeding children. Her book Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family: How to Eat, How to Raise Good Eaters, How to Cook is an excellent resource for anyone who would like to learn more about how to encourage the whole family to have a great relationship with food. She stresses the Division of Responsibility as the key to raising good eaters. It is a very simple concept, but can be challenging to put into practice, as it defies how many of us were taught to eat as children. Here’s how it works:
Parents/Caregivers are responsible for the what, when and where of feeding. Children are responsible for the how much and whether of eating.
So what does that really mean? It is the parent’s job to:
This can be a lot to take in and takes patience and consistency, but I promise it works! Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions you may have.
*This information is for educational purposes, and is not intended as medical advice. If your child has specific nutrition needs, please find a registered dietitian near you for personalized nutrition advice.
“I don’t know why I bother cooking when no one will eat it anyway!”
I get it, feeding kids can be frustrating! One day they love a food, the next day they hate it. Introducing new foods can lead to complaining and arguing about how many bites to try. It is so tempting to resort to only serving “kid-friendly” foods you know they’ll happily eat, like chicken nuggets or mac and cheese. But I promise, there is a better way. Enter: Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in Feeding.
Ellyn Satter is a therapist and dietitian who is one of the leading authorities on feeding children. Her book Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family: How to Eat, How to Raise Good Eaters, How to Cook is an excellent resource for anyone who would like to learn more about how to encourage the whole family to have a great relationship with food. She stresses the Division of Responsibility as the key to raising good eaters. It is a very simple concept, but can be challenging to put into practice, as it defies how many of us were taught to eat as children. Here’s how it works:
Parents/Caregivers are responsible for the what, when and where of feeding. Children are responsible for the how much and whether of eating.
So what does that really mean? It is the parent’s job to:
- Choose and prepare the food
- This includes foods your child likes and may not yet like. Do not get stuck in the trap of only preparing foods your child likes, or you will get bored and they will never learn to try new things. Your child can pick and choose from what you prepare for the meal, but he or she cannot dictate the menu. Combine some familiar foods with some unfamiliar foods. Whatever you do, do not become a short-order cook and prepare whatever your child asks for.
- This includes foods your child likes and may not yet like. Do not get stuck in the trap of only preparing foods your child likes, or you will get bored and they will never learn to try new things. Your child can pick and choose from what you prepare for the meal, but he or she cannot dictate the menu. Combine some familiar foods with some unfamiliar foods. Whatever you do, do not become a short-order cook and prepare whatever your child asks for.
- Provide regular meals and snacks
- It is important to have 3 scheduled meals and 3 scheduled snacks each day so your child knows they can expect to eat again soon at the next designated eating time. I would be likely to overeat at a meal if I had no idea when I would get to eat again, wouldn’t you? Likewise, I might not eat as much as my body needs at a meal if I knew I could get a snack in 15 minutes if I want. Don’t let your children graze between meals -- it should be a set snack time halfway between meals.
- It is important to have 3 scheduled meals and 3 scheduled snacks each day so your child knows they can expect to eat again soon at the next designated eating time. I would be likely to overeat at a meal if I had no idea when I would get to eat again, wouldn’t you? Likewise, I might not eat as much as my body needs at a meal if I knew I could get a snack in 15 minutes if I want. Don’t let your children graze between meals -- it should be a set snack time halfway between meals.
- Make eating times pleasant
- Sit down to eat together and engage in easygoing conversation. Don’t expect your child eat well if he or she is sitting at the table alone, and save tense conversations for another time of day. Your Meal Squeeze conversation starters are a great way to foster interesting, but positive communication.
- There is no need to comment on how much or how little your child is eating, or to try to persuade them to eat more. If my daughter says she is finished eating but hasn’t eaten much of her meal, I simply remind her the next snack time is two hours away. It’s interesting to watch her evaluate her hunger and determine whether she ate enough to stay full until the next snack. Sometimes she chooses to eat a little more after that reminder, and sometimes she doesn’t, but either way, I respect her decision.
- Model what your child needs to learn
- If you want your children to learn to try and enjoy new foods, they need to see you do it first. They need to see new foods on the table, not just the foods they readily accept. Beyond the food, mealtimes are your opportunity to model good manners, foster positive interactions between family members and check in with how the kids are doing in school. This goes without saying, but you can’t do any of this if you don’t sit down to eat together as a family. I know it’s not always possible, but do everything in your power to at least have a few meals together throughout the week.
- If you want your children to learn to try and enjoy new foods, they need to see you do it first. They need to see new foods on the table, not just the foods they readily accept. Beyond the food, mealtimes are your opportunity to model good manners, foster positive interactions between family members and check in with how the kids are doing in school. This goes without saying, but you can’t do any of this if you don’t sit down to eat together as a family. I know it’s not always possible, but do everything in your power to at least have a few meals together throughout the week.
- Not let your child graze between set meals and snacks
- Grazing leads to children coming to the dinner table without being hungry, which impacts the quantity and quality of what they eat at meals. This is true whether the snacks are candy or carrots. Drinks matter, too. Water is the only beverage that should be allowed outside of meal and snack times.
- Grazing leads to children coming to the dinner table without being hungry, which impacts the quantity and quality of what they eat at meals. This is true whether the snacks are candy or carrots. Drinks matter, too. Water is the only beverage that should be allowed outside of meal and snack times.
- Let your child grow up to have the body that is right for him or her
- I can’t stress this enough -- we are not meant to all look the same. Sometimes children grow quickly, sometimes they grow slowly. Sometimes they are tall and lanky, other times they are short and stocky. There is no one right way to have a body, and there is no way you can force a certain body type.
- I can’t stress this enough -- we are not meant to all look the same. Sometimes children grow quickly, sometimes they grow slowly. Sometimes they are tall and lanky, other times they are short and stocky. There is no one right way to have a body, and there is no way you can force a certain body type.
- Eat
- This sounds silly, but kids do want to eat. I know some days it may feel like your child won’t ever eat anything if you don’t strong-arm them into doing it, but I promise, your child does want to eat. Often if a child seems reluctant to eat, it’s because there is too much pressure at meal times. Follow the division of responsibility and give your child time.
- This sounds silly, but kids do want to eat. I know some days it may feel like your child won’t ever eat anything if you don’t strong-arm them into doing it, but I promise, your child does want to eat. Often if a child seems reluctant to eat, it’s because there is too much pressure at meal times. Follow the division of responsibility and give your child time.
- Eat the amount he or she needs
- This can be one of the hardest things for parents to let go of. There is only one person who knows how much food your child needs at any given meal, and it’s not you. Kids are very good at listening to their bodies' hunger and fullness cues if they are given the chance to. I would argue that kids are much better at this than adults. The problem is that well-meaning caregivers often try to override the kids. So trust your child, and let him decide what is the right amount to eat at each meal and snack. If you are doing your job of providing regular, balanced meals and snacks without grazing in between, you will have nothing to worry about.
- This can be one of the hardest things for parents to let go of. There is only one person who knows how much food your child needs at any given meal, and it’s not you. Kids are very good at listening to their bodies' hunger and fullness cues if they are given the chance to. I would argue that kids are much better at this than adults. The problem is that well-meaning caregivers often try to override the kids. So trust your child, and let him decide what is the right amount to eat at each meal and snack. If you are doing your job of providing regular, balanced meals and snacks without grazing in between, you will have nothing to worry about.
- Learn to eat the food you eat
- I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again -- you are not a short order cook. Do not fall into the trap of making special meals for your child so you can cook something you enjoy that they don’t like yet. Cook the meal you want, include a few side dishes that are familiar, and let your child eat what he or she wants from those options. Seeing you eat foods you enjoy will eventually translate into your child enjoying those foods, as well.
- I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again -- you are not a short order cook. Do not fall into the trap of making special meals for your child so you can cook something you enjoy that they don’t like yet. Cook the meal you want, include a few side dishes that are familiar, and let your child eat what he or she wants from those options. Seeing you eat foods you enjoy will eventually translate into your child enjoying those foods, as well.
- Eat a variety
- If you continue to offer a variety of foods, your child will eventually eat a variety of foods. Some days she’ll eat everything you prepare, other days she’ll load up on one type of food. However, over the course of a week or so, this adds up to a good variety of foods and nutrients. Sometimes parents don’t give kids the same slack they give themselves in this area. I mean, I love salmon, but some days I just don’t feel like eating it. Our kids should be allowed this same privilege. It is best if you can allow your kids to serve their own food at meal times, which really allows them the autonomy to choose which foods they would like to eat and how much of eat.
- If you continue to offer a variety of foods, your child will eventually eat a variety of foods. Some days she’ll eat everything you prepare, other days she’ll load up on one type of food. However, over the course of a week or so, this adds up to a good variety of foods and nutrients. Sometimes parents don’t give kids the same slack they give themselves in this area. I mean, I love salmon, but some days I just don’t feel like eating it. Our kids should be allowed this same privilege. It is best if you can allow your kids to serve their own food at meal times, which really allows them the autonomy to choose which foods they would like to eat and how much of eat.
- Grow predictably
- Every child has different genetics, and therefore has a different “normal”. However, what we generally like to see is a child “following their growth curve”. This means if your child was born big, and continues to be big, that’s probably not too concerning. Likewise, if your child was born small and continues to be small, that’s probably not concerning, either. If your child’s growth suddenly starts speeding up or slowing down, you should discuss it with a qualified health professional. Ellyn Satter’s book Your Child’s Weight: Helping without Harming is an excellent resource.
- Every child has different genetics, and therefore has a different “normal”. However, what we generally like to see is a child “following their growth curve”. This means if your child was born big, and continues to be big, that’s probably not too concerning. Likewise, if your child was born small and continues to be small, that’s probably not concerning, either. If your child’s growth suddenly starts speeding up or slowing down, you should discuss it with a qualified health professional. Ellyn Satter’s book Your Child’s Weight: Helping without Harming is an excellent resource.
- Learn to behave well at the table
- The dinner table is the perfect place to teach things like sitting calmly, using eating utensils properly, using manners, taking turns talking, and much more. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.
This can be a lot to take in and takes patience and consistency, but I promise it works! Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions you may have.
*This information is for educational purposes, and is not intended as medical advice. If your child has specific nutrition needs, please find a registered dietitian near you for personalized nutrition advice.